Today I've been thinking an awful lot about all the things that led to my incredibly amazing but brief raw food success last summer. I'm writing to you from Cooked Food Hell, by the way... full-on cooked food addiction... no freedom in sight.
As you know by now, I was raw for almost two months in June and July of 2011. I have to admit I was in a really great place at the time.
In June I was in love. I had decided to move back to Chicago and had just left my job. I had a whole month off before the new owner of my place would take over, so I was also taking a vacation to see a raw food buddy in Canada. I had decided to become a minimalist as well, and had been ridding my life of all kinds of clutter. It was summer, my favorite time of the year, and I had been studying and utilizing the Law of Attraction diligently for a good six months.
In July I moved into my awesome new minimalistic studio. I was really happy to be living near my former sister-in-law and littlest niece and nephews again. I started a new job. I went through a really painful break-up. I discovered I could no longer drive professionally, because I was no longer willing to use sugar and caffeine to stay awake. So I began training as a dispatcher instead. I'd lost a bunch of weight and was really excited to be wearing jeans and tops I hadn't worn in eight years. I felt fantastic!
August 3rd was my birthday, and even though it was nice, it didn't really feel like my birthday. I'd failed to make any big plans. Late in the evening I decided I was going to have Taco Bell. Then I stopped at the store for cake and ice cream. I told myself it was just for my birthday, and I'd get right back to raw the next day. I've been trying and failing ever since, never making it more than a couple of days. In August I was really feeling the pain of that breakup, and I was not liking my new job as a dispatcher, which was much more stressful than being a chauffeur, and the paperwork was god-awful. The days started to get shorter. Fall was coming, which meant my seasonal affective funk was on its way. I was gaining weight and feeling crummy about it. I began to get depressed. I ran my first 5k and that buoyed me some, but not enough to counteract the momentum of my downward spiral, which has continued for the past four months.
So the big question is:
Was raw easier because I was so happy in June? Or was I so happy in June because I was raw and it was fueling my upward spiral???
I know that I kicked off raw on June 7th, the day I left for Canada. My friends were incredibly supportive. J came to talk with me all night at my campsite in Michigan, and she brought a huge platter of fruit and another huge vegetable platter. I was set for road food for my entire drive, bless her heart. Once I arrived in Quebec I had the support of my raw food buddy K for over a week, almost two. I was on an awesome roll. I had made it through those first two weeks pretty easily compared to many past attempts, because I was on vacation, virtually stress-free, had plenty of cash from the sale of my place and in the company of someone very pro-raw.
I can't recreate that dream scenario right now. I'm going to have to continue working the at the job I don't like on the graveyard shift I don't like in the presence of the food I shouldn't be alone with. I did apply elsewhere, but I have a feeling I need to make this work somehow, that when school starts in January I'll be glad I did. Cash is tight, but I can do my best to make myself happy.
Next assignment: Figure out what I'd need to do to make myself happier. Raw does not go well when you're in a shit storm from the get-go.
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